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Mar. 18th, 2009


How do you acheive greatness? thats supposedly the writers block promt today and to tell you the truth I'm really not to sure what greatness is. I used to believe it was acheiving everything you strived for however everything i work towards I acheive. I'm not trying to come off as a goody-goody or an over-acheiver I'm really just a hard worker. However I'm not happy. and obviously it's obvious or I wouldn't be crying all the time. So greatness I suppose is more about being happy with where you are in life.
I know I'm depressed. Its really evident probably more to me than to alot of those around me. No one really wants to hear what I have to say but it doesn't matter because in the end sharing doesn't make me feel better. I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel okay losing everyone and everything. Its been building up that I know and I've been worried for quite awhile however I really have no idea what triggered it or brought it on. I know this is rambling. I just need to write it down. to learn from myself. I was extremly stressed last semester with no time managment to speak of and yet I was happy or at least semi-happy and now this semester where I'm coasting on a certain level of decent grades and decent time managment I'm miserable. yeah miserable describes it well.

Feb. 12th, 2009

sail away....

sleeping seems to be getting harder and its not that I'm not on top of the tasks I need to complete. Its just actually settling down and getting myself to a restful state seems to be impossible. The stomach aches are now combined with the most mind-boggling headaches I've ever experienced. Nothing makes them go away not even a zillion ibprofen though I'm trying not to rely on them to much anyways. The stomaches are kicking themselves up a notch they make eating seem like the most disgusting thing in the world and some days I can eat and then others I just can't seem to make myself. It really worries me at times, I can feel myself getting weaker however i can't force myself to eat because when i do i then get naseaous.
Its not that college is hard, because my time management is much closer to par this semester. However socially its going all wrong. I don't know what attracts people to me, don't really comprehend it. However what I really don't understand is what drives them away.
He's great like he really is, probably deep down love him and I don't know if it's masked but when I'm with him he's my world and he's right when hes not there I def have other things and my mind and it's not necessarily other guys but it certainly isn't him. July's along time away and however confident I appear to him that we'll be together then I really have no idea. I'm scared to let myself fall again. really scared and he doesn't seem to understand that concept. Plus the longer I'm with him the more boring he comes across. I can't stand baby talk and i never knew this till i started dating him. like i don't talk all cutesy to him so why does he talk all cutesy to me?

I really miss pumpkin. I'll just pass him and be lucky to get a hello. Its extremly depressing to think of how close we were and now nothing exists between us. I understand him not being able to have the same type of relationship as before however I don't understand why he can't even face me. LIKE IS IT REALLY THAT HARD? to just be like hey i know i can't have her but i wish we could still be friends. apparently people don't value friendship as much as I thought they would. guess its a little over-rated and optimistic to think that everybody i meet will be a friend when half of them are male and half of them decide they like me to much to be friends.

I don't really suppose it should be this complicated yet here I am at 4 a.m. with my first class in 4 hours and I know that If i fall asleep i won't get up for class. My stomachs keeping me up. Then the whole teensy bit of anxiety I'm dealing with. He keeps going back to her. I have no idea whats going on. how can you claim you don't want anything and yet want the world? how can you sleep with your best friends crush? oh the many mysteries I have to deal with. I don't really know how I'm coming across. I wish i did would probably make everything a little bit easier with people being able to gauge my reactions. I want to be the unpredictable spontanious type and yet sometimes I come across as such an innocent love-sick fool that I really have no idea what to do to prove to people that I know what I'm talking about. That I'm more intelligent then they first guesstimated?

I wonder if hes waiting to walk into the room and I'm asleep just so he can lock it and leave and leave me with no explanations. not that i really need or deserve one it just seems to happen that way. Owwwww. it hurts so bad and i really just can't deal. I wish I could have a drink just for the simple fact that I'd like more ibprofen. However thats not the solution and I know it. but still.......

Aug. 27th, 2008

year one, day seven

So I didn't really get a chance to write last night because of pure physical exhastion mixed with the compelling neeed to finish my work in time for class today which sadly is still not completed. hopefully I'll be able to figure out the two questions I have left and be able to turn it in at 6:00. so far classes have been ok. I started my two and three diminsional design class yesterday and thankfully have two new friends in it. So that calss should not only be interesting but entertaining as well which is fantastic because it's a block period which means I have this class twice a week in three hour periods.
we didn't really work-out yesterday but we did run and I ran one mile in around 8 minutes and the whole entire two miles in 19:00. I felt kind of accomplished being able to run an under and to push myself as much as I did. I'm paying for it today. I'm extremly tired and sore. yesterday I managed to have a small breakfest of watermelon, scrambled eggs, and grape juice. Dinner was better with a small salad and a glass of water, and a teensy bit of pasta salad. but the best meal I had a ll yesterday was def. the steak and cheese with peppers and onions. oh it was so good. I spent time on the phone with everyone in between stressing about homework. Mamas not so happy with how much mon ey I need asll the time and if they're was a way around it I'd use that route but it's entirely impossible.

Aug. 25th, 2008

year one, day six

Today was the first official day of classes which means I actually woke up early and showered. I went to breakfest with my roomate for the first time and we bonded over half a chocolate muffin, and 10 tator tots accompined by a glass of grape juice. Besides that I didn't eat much except for like 12 oreo's. yeah I went a little nuts especially being an off day however tommorows try-out and my drafting teacher was like go get 300 dollars worth of supplies by wed. and tommorow is booked so i had no idea how i was going to be able to go shopping let alone afford it all. I love lauren is basically what it comes down too. szhe bought everything for me while i spent time in the studio. So I have all my supplies and owe her 43 dollars. It was fine, today was pretty dull. tommorow i'm nervous for try-outs. I'm tired so I'm going to head to bed

Aug. 24th, 2008

year one, day 5

classes start tommorow. I'm pretty excited for that. We went to boston for like a bonding experience with all the rest of the freshman. IOt started off weird because sam came and we like were going to china town but the guys ditched us like in the middle of the town. They just up and left and I was so pissed I was like dude I can't take someone on if something were to happen. we guilted tom into coming back but I was really dissapointed in them all for being so irresponsible and rude. like the more I get to know sam the more I dislike him. Boston was sick though I bought blue colored contacts even though you can't really tell I'm wearing them unless I'm in the light. Next time we go I'm getting emerald green ones. We went to dicks for lunch but they weren't to bad because it was lunch time and their were little kids around. We played in the fountain and got completly soaked. It all worked pretty well and we got some cute little ballon flowers. Jess and Tom didn't want to leave the fountain because they were having prelude to sexy time. We returened to get airbrush tatoos and to get a photo keychain. We visited everyone in an attempt to get to know all the freshman. apparently me and lauren are really cute. haha love football players.
p.s. neil's amazing.
no workout until tuesday tryouts

year one, day four

Breakfest- small glass of water, about 11 tator tots, a slice of cantalope, and a slice of watermelon
Lunch- small glass of lemonaide, small ice cream, handful of fench fries, chicken wings (6)
Dinner- small salad, half a glass of lemonaide, and 12 potatoes, small ice cream

mile run-1
mile (biked)- .25
lateral pull downs-30
row boat?- 30

calf raises-60
standard crunches-40
partner crunches-12 in each direction
around the worlds-7 in each direction
cheer jacks-25
arm flaps-35 in all directions

for the most part it was ok. I'm writing it more so after the fact because I was to distracted with the thought of boston. For the most part the day was ok. we met this boy named tom and him and jess seemed to hit off especially at the drive-in movie that night. She invited him to boston with us today. same with his friend sam who I really hit it off with but turned out to be a little rude when he didn't even say goodnight towards the end of the night. (he turned into an even bigger jerk today)

Aug. 22nd, 2008

Year one, day 3

Today was a long day with everyone else moving in. My room was basically taken over by new people. Its nice my roomate is the sweetest thing ever. Its just nice to not have to return to an empty room, and water aerobics was way better today after beiung all hot and sweaty. We all got extremly into it. We had a sort-of half movie night while watching just like heaven. we have to finish it tommorow night because it started to get really late. Not much happened today. we had a candlelighting ceremony. and we had to set goals.
1. make cheerleading and earn a first place trophy.
(while tumbling in competiton)
2. make deans list
3. trymake new friends and try something new
then we had like a meeting to discuss rules in the dorms just basic stuff.

miles (biked)- 2
elliptical- 1
lateral- 30 with 45 pounds
leg press- 12 pounds 12 times
row machine- 25 pounds 12 times

calf raises- 30
crunches- 40
arm flaps- 35 in all directions
partner crunches- 12 in each directions
around the worlds- 7 in both directions

Breakfest- 8 tator tots, 1 pancake, small glass of poweraide
Lunch- small salad with three cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and onions, w/ ranch dressing, small piece of cheesy lasanga. small glass of lemonaide, 2 cookies.
Dinner- small mixed salad, one drumstick, two glasses of lemonaide. small slice of watermelon.

year one, day two

Day two was slightly better, but then again it was also my birthday so that helped everyone know who I was a little bit more. It's a little strange because everyone here thinks I'm shy which could possibly be a good thing before my big mouth ruins it. However I don't want them to think that I'm timid and I think that is how everybody is starting to percieve me. My body aches pretty badly. The good kind of pain the kind where you have to push through the pain even though you can feel the burn. It only reinfources the fact that I should probably have tried staying in shape more this summer and as a result wouldn't be feeling it this much. I miss everyone and saturday games are only going to make it harder to go home for the weekend. There isn't a nearby weekend in sight in which I can actually just go home and sleep in my own bed. I should probably start to think of my dorm room as my actual room. That would probably help the situation. Practice was ok. Water aerobics was nice. The weight room was decent. The team workout was a little pain-full, however stretching out my sore muscles from yesterday was the worst.

miles (biked)-2
crunches (standared)- 25 to the front, and 25 to each side
lateral machine- 25 lbs. 15 times

calf raises-30
around the worlds-7 in each direction
partner crunches- 12 in each direction

Breakfast- 6 or so small potatoes (large potatoes), one slice of french toast, and a glass of water

Lunch- spoonful of macorooni and cheese, glass of pink lemonaide, and four cookies

Dinner-small helping of chicken and rice, small side salad w/ three garden tomatoes and a small piece of onion, three small potatoes (differnt version of home frie things), small slice of pound cake, two cookies and a glass of poweraide.

on a side mark I was allowed to extend my stunts where as everyone else had to stay in a half.

Aug. 20th, 2008

Year one, day one

So this day’s consisted mostly of me feeling awkward the whole time. However the cheerleaders are extremly nice so I should be extremly thankful for that. I need a shower so badly I reek like man sweat and to think that I didn’t even push myself during the mile. I decided to push someone else rather then myself and yet somehow I manage to still sweat enough to have a result. The athletes are here for the most part and it’s odd because of the fact that the football players can’t associate with females in their preseason so even the guys I know can’t acknowledge me. Which is fine I suppose because of the simple fact that that would just be more temptation. At this point it’s the last thing I need. I already managed to be forgetful enough to lock myself out of my room and to be late for a team meeting. Like I really need to learn how to get on top of all of this and buckle down enough to concentrate.
Mile: 8:26 this is awful btw. I really need to improve this. It pretty much dissapoints me.
Lunch: plate of salad consisting of lettuce, three cherry tomatos and a small handful of onions and six cucumbers topped with ranch dressing
Small salad consisting of lettuce, three cherry tomatos and four cucumbers. Along with a small cup of chicken stirfry which included onions and possible green peppers.
I don’t know why I feel the need to keep track of all this stuff. ^ however I do and as a result feel that I’m going to end up in the best shape of my life if I don’t kill myself in the process. I feel like such a loner because of the simple fact that we aren’t supposed to spend tonight socializing which is fine because I could use the sleep. The insommnia’s coming back and that’s one downward spiral I’d do anything to avoid going on. I need to shower. Perhaps I will go do that now. And upon my return I’ll set my alarm plug in a movie and fall asleep to blissful pre-birthday bliss.

Aug. 19th, 2008

The day before

So I'm leaving tomorrow. heading out, starting anew. the many references as to which my parentals refer to my going to college. It all means the same thing. I'm going to spend the first few weeks confused and dazed and hopefully be able to get my act together long enough to figure out my schedule and start a routine. Cheer will help if I make it. without cheer my life would really be nothing. I need a method to make friends and to challenge myself and cheerleading does that for me.
I don't want to leave hence me seeing everyone tonight hopefully in some memorable way in which it will only reinforce the idea that I won't be breaking off all my relationships with everyone. The summer only results in new friends and this summer it's only resulted in more friends I need to say good-bye too. I'm depressed but not in the form where I feel I should be sulking in the corner but in the form that I need to make friends and fast. I need to be able to make friends with people that will help my birthday still be memorable even if it just means I spend it with my roommate.

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